We met when we were 21. The last four years of my life has been about him. I shifted everything I was to better accomodate his needs. But everything was constant. It never moved forward. It moved backwards many times but we never grew up. We didn't move along with our age.

We met when we were 21. Twenty-fucking-one. My cousin's 21. E and I met when we were my cousin's age. I look at my cousin and, as much as I know he's not, I still see him as my young naive little cousin. How could he understand the dynamics of relationships? How could he possibly know the intense labour needed to make a relationship functional?

If at 25 I still don't get it, what made me think at 21 that I understood it all then already?

We were 21 when we met. Naive and stupid. If I had known then what I know now, then maybe this whole thing could've turned out completely different.

We all learned something from it though, right? When to forgive. When to let things go. When to be more giving. When to say fuck it, forget it. When it's best to just be insensitive. All pretty generic lessons. More so the last two for me than the rest, I think. What's that thing they always say? If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't then it never was. They forgot the other part to it though... Don't come back unless you intend to stay.

I'm not 21 anymore. Life finally broke the rose-coloured glasses I had on from having a childhood saturated with impossible fairytales. There's no knights in shining armor, no princesses, no prince charming, no fairy godmothers to make it all right in the end. Just a false sense of hope we tell ourselves so we would have a reason to wake up every morning. Am I jaded? Yeah, I think I finally made it there. At least I'm honest.

I do feel sorry for the next guy/s; I just don't really give a shit anymore. I've already had three guys call me out on being "insensitive" with "complete disregard of the possibility that [they] could actually have feelings" towards me. Meh. I never asked to be liked. I was pretty unavailable majority of the time. Am I at fault when they're such masochists and they keep wanting to come back? But I digress.

Everything's changing. Every single aspect of my life is changing.

I left one job.
I'm starting school, again.
The clinic's going to run a lot differently starting next week.
I lost my best friend.
I have to get used to a quiet house, again.
No more doing anything because money's going to be tight.
[No more cigs. Damn]


As small or trivial as they may seem, it's those little changes on these small and trivial things that can fuck up the mind of someone who lives and thrives for routine.

It's how I've been getting by without snapping. Routines. Every single thing was a routine. Now... I have to start a new routine.

It's like being spun round and round and round again, and then being let go. It's that crashing-into-god-knows-what feeling.

Wow. I think I'm actually having an anxiety attack. Huh.

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.
W.H. Auden

-----

Because I don't know who I am, where I am, and what I'm suppose to be anymore. It's a downward spiral that feels ever so familiar. It's almost comforting in a twisted way.

Where are the greens at? I want to get lost, and lost, and lost up there.

For someone who always say the thing everyone else is too scared to say, I sure don't say the things I really want to say.

And the thing that scares (?...) me the most out of all this is how I've been handling everything. i haven't been able to settle myself down. I can't honestly remember when was the last time I just stayed home to relax.

I've managed to keep myself busy, every single day, just so I won't have to think about anything.

And it's worse than last time because now I actually have to means to drive myself to pure exhaustion everyday. There's always something to, friends to see. And when there's nothing, I find something. Anything, just so I won't have to be at home, holed up in my room. Reckless. That's what Sashka called me. And maybe he's right. Maybe I am. But what he and everyone else fails to realize is keeping busy and being on the go al the time is about the only thing keeping me from snapping and doing what I used to do four years ago. [Four years and four months. Has it really been that long since I quit? Hmm.. if only scars faded away with time.]

My head's not even right anymore.

I'm tired.

.....

I don't blame random people who hasn't seen me in a while asking about it, but I still wish people would stop bringing it up....

Come back to me. You've been gone for too long. I've been miserable without you. I need you. I need my best friend now more than ever.



[edit]
Did you hear me calling for you.....

In every ending, there's always that point where you look back and start to re-evaluate everything that went on. Like looking at a difficult puzzle from a different angle to make some sense of it.

When did it start going downhill? When did it go so bad? Could anything have been done different?

I watch people around me walking hand in hand with their significant others and they all look so happy, completely at bliss, content. Were we ever like that? Those "happy" memories I have in my head, were they real? Or was it just me? Was I so lost in delusions that I never actually saw things as they really were? Was it just me? Did I just make them all up in my head, clouded my thoughts with this lie because I was in such denial? Were we actually happy together?

Looking back, way in the beginning, we fought so hard not to be together. Was I wrong to keep us going? Should I have known back then that we were meant to be miserable together?

I wish I had the answers to my own questions. Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be sitting out in the cold far away from home smoking my nonresponvive heart away.

"I was losing myself to somebody else but now I see... 'cause she's everything, everything I'm not."